A New Addition

Last Saturday night around 7pm I got a call about a 6 month old baby girl. We heard her heartbreaking story and said yes right away. 20 minutes (!) later and I was on my way to pick her up. She is the sweetest little baby. It has been fun to have a small baby again. She feels so tiny compared to Israel but she is actually pretty big for 6 months. 

The girls have fallen so deep in love with her, right away. They have been asking for a baby girl since before I was pregnant with Israel and finally their wish has come true. I can not even choose what she wears before they already have an outfit all chosen complete with accessories ha. They take turns feeding her and are generally great helpers with her.

When we said yes to her I was worried about how Israel would do with a new baby, and sad for a few days (and sometimes still) that he isn't my (only) baby anymore. But he has done really well and hardly gets jealous at all when I hold her. He can be rough if he gets close to her but he mostly just ignores her. I've been giving him a lot of extra cuddles and he seems to have taken the transition well so far. 

As for me, I am exhausted ha. Baby girl has been our easiest placement in most ways, but I feel like I am constantly running around meeting the needs of four small people and for the first few days I barely even had time to eat between just trying to keep them all napped, fed and safe (i.e. Israel and his tendency to crawl off of high places or try to eat toxic substances). Now things are leveling out a little and I am trying to get us all into a routine so things will be easier. I always feel guilt when we get a new addition because I know I have less to give to my other children, and that is hard for me to accept, especially when they are so young and need so much from me. It is hard to see Israel crawling after me crying because he wants to be held, it is hard when Adele wants a story and I have to change a diaper or Esther wants to show me something and I am busy doing dishes. I try to alleviate some of the guilt by being more intentional with my time, putting my phone down more, going on 1 on 1 dates, and reminding myself that the even when I can't meet all their needs right away I am teaching them to be less entitled and more service oriented. 

Accepting a foster placement always brings out so many emotions in me. I'm usually not an emotional person at all so navigating all of these has been challenging for me. I really love Baby Girl and I loved her immediately. However, I know from experience how heartbreaking it will be when she leaves, so on a subconscious level I'm afraid to love her more and I often find myself reverting to feelings of annoyance or indifference towards her. It is strange but I am working hard to love. To choose love even when I know it will most likely end in loss and heartbreak for us all. To try and see the bigger picture and know that the heartbreak is a small price to pay because we feel so lucky to have her and it really is a privilege to get to be her family, for now. 

Anyways typing all this out is basically my therapy so I'm sure all keep this blog updated with what happens. and here are some pictures of our inaugural trip to Target with four. :)