A Foster Care Update
A couple of weeks ago we found out that M will be moving to a new foster home. She has two siblings that are also in foster care, so they are moving her to be with them. At a team meeting I asked if this was the plan and they adamantly said it was not, they wanted M to bond with us instead of moving her again. A few weeks later I got the call that they would be moving her to be with her siblings. That's how things go in foster care, things can change super quickly and seemingly without regard at all to what the foster family wants/needs.
They will do some transitional visits before moving her permanently. So I'm not sure how much longer she'll be with us, I think until after Christmas though.
Things have been so much harder for me since they've told us she was going. I guess I just had it set in my mind she would for sure be with us until next summer. I guess I broke the #1 rule in foster care, don't assume things will go a certain way. We have bonded and we will for sure miss her but that's not why things are hard. I feel like once they tell me they are leaving it is so hard for me to maintain that bond, to want to attach even more to them. When their future is uncertain it is easier to bond deeply with the hope that they will be with you a long time. When you know they are leaving it kind of feels like "Ok let's just break this bond so it doesn't feel so painful when they leave". Of course I don't do that but the thought is there buried in my subconscious and it took a while for me to recognize it. I do have to work harder to be postive and cheerful when we have an impending goodbye and I'm trying to be more intentional about maintaining my attatchment to M for the time we have left with her. I think the impending goodbye is worse than actually saying goodbye.
It was the same way with L. It was a hard placement because we knew she would be leaving soon and even though I knew in my head we should attach to her, my heart wanted to protect itself. I felt a lot of guilt after L left because I know I could have done better. I feel like I learned from my mistakes and bonded with M much easier this go round.
A lot of my mental space is taken up by what we will do after M leaves. We will have put the kids (and ourselves) through two goodbyes this year and a part of me wonders how many more of those will be required to go through. When we first started foster care I didn't have any strong desire to adopt. (You can read more about that HERE) We just wanted to help kids and do what God wanted us to do. But now that I've been through it I would like to adopt. It is the natural progression that when you care for a child day after day and they steal your heart, then you want them to stay with you forever. The goodbyes are so hard and it's like the cliche that every foster parent has heard 100x "Oh I could never do that, I'd get too attached and never want to give them back". Yes, no one wants to give them back and it is hard to go through these goodbyes.
Anyways I don't know what we will do. Possibly taking a break or we are thinking of changing our age range to 0-18 months just because of the room set up we have. But then I think of another baby potentially waking up at night and I'm not sure if I could handle that. Older kids are easier in some ways but typically harder with behaviors. But each kid is so different you really never know. One thing I have learned is that "the system" is looking out for the children in foster care. But the only ones looking out for our children are Leland and myself. We are the ones who have to evaluate what would be in their best interest.
I know I really just need to pray and gain personal revelation as to what our Heavenly Parents want us to do. I know we are not done being foster parents. Part of me wants to adopt just because then it would be more natural for us to stop instead of feeling like we're quitting. There are so many kids in foster care, I know we are still needed. But moreso I've learned that one of the big reasons we were called to foster care wasn't for the kids, it was also for us. I have been humbled and learned so much about myself as a parent, but I still have a long way to go.
Anyways. Probably nobody read to the bottom of this and that's fine. Writing it all out is therapeutic for me. Foster care is hard in different ways than I expected. Following the plan Heavenly Father has for your life instead of your own plans take faith. Someone quoted this quote by C.S. Lewis at the most recent General Conference and it seemed fitting.
"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."
They will do some transitional visits before moving her permanently. So I'm not sure how much longer she'll be with us, I think until after Christmas though.
Things have been so much harder for me since they've told us she was going. I guess I just had it set in my mind she would for sure be with us until next summer. I guess I broke the #1 rule in foster care, don't assume things will go a certain way. We have bonded and we will for sure miss her but that's not why things are hard. I feel like once they tell me they are leaving it is so hard for me to maintain that bond, to want to attach even more to them. When their future is uncertain it is easier to bond deeply with the hope that they will be with you a long time. When you know they are leaving it kind of feels like "Ok let's just break this bond so it doesn't feel so painful when they leave". Of course I don't do that but the thought is there buried in my subconscious and it took a while for me to recognize it. I do have to work harder to be postive and cheerful when we have an impending goodbye and I'm trying to be more intentional about maintaining my attatchment to M for the time we have left with her. I think the impending goodbye is worse than actually saying goodbye.
It was the same way with L. It was a hard placement because we knew she would be leaving soon and even though I knew in my head we should attach to her, my heart wanted to protect itself. I felt a lot of guilt after L left because I know I could have done better. I feel like I learned from my mistakes and bonded with M much easier this go round.
A lot of my mental space is taken up by what we will do after M leaves. We will have put the kids (and ourselves) through two goodbyes this year and a part of me wonders how many more of those will be required to go through. When we first started foster care I didn't have any strong desire to adopt. (You can read more about that HERE) We just wanted to help kids and do what God wanted us to do. But now that I've been through it I would like to adopt. It is the natural progression that when you care for a child day after day and they steal your heart, then you want them to stay with you forever. The goodbyes are so hard and it's like the cliche that every foster parent has heard 100x "Oh I could never do that, I'd get too attached and never want to give them back". Yes, no one wants to give them back and it is hard to go through these goodbyes.
Anyways I don't know what we will do. Possibly taking a break or we are thinking of changing our age range to 0-18 months just because of the room set up we have. But then I think of another baby potentially waking up at night and I'm not sure if I could handle that. Older kids are easier in some ways but typically harder with behaviors. But each kid is so different you really never know. One thing I have learned is that "the system" is looking out for the children in foster care. But the only ones looking out for our children are Leland and myself. We are the ones who have to evaluate what would be in their best interest.
I know I really just need to pray and gain personal revelation as to what our Heavenly Parents want us to do. I know we are not done being foster parents. Part of me wants to adopt just because then it would be more natural for us to stop instead of feeling like we're quitting. There are so many kids in foster care, I know we are still needed. But moreso I've learned that one of the big reasons we were called to foster care wasn't for the kids, it was also for us. I have been humbled and learned so much about myself as a parent, but I still have a long way to go.
Anyways. Probably nobody read to the bottom of this and that's fine. Writing it all out is therapeutic for me. Foster care is hard in different ways than I expected. Following the plan Heavenly Father has for your life instead of your own plans take faith. Someone quoted this quote by C.S. Lewis at the most recent General Conference and it seemed fitting.
"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."
Loved this quote. I've been wondering what ended up with the possibility of M leaving, prayers it goes smoothly for all of you!
ReplyDeleteThanks I hope so too. Glad you're still reading :)
DeleteP.S. you know I'll always read to the end lol
ReplyDelete