All Your Losses Will Be Made Up

I have gone back and forth about sharing this on the blog. I usually don't share things so personal, but I want to be open about our experience in hopes that it will help someone else and end some of the silence and stigmas surrounding miscarriage. 

I remember the morning vividly, Adele had woken up at 6am and wouldn't go back to sleep. I decided to take a pregnancy test, as I had every other day for the past week, because I just knew I was pregnant. Except this time was different because I saw the word "yes" finally appear on the stick. I was so shocked and happy. I told Adele right then "Baby, you're going to be a big sister!".

I called Leland a few hours later and told him. He wasn't very excited, mostly just shocked, we both were, as this pregnancy had not aligned with "our timeline" of how we planned things.  A part of me will always regret not being anything but excited and grateful to be pregnant.

It didn't take long for us to get excited. As time went on we made plans and dreams for our baby, talked about names and what gender we thought this one would be. There wasn't an hour that went by that I was pregnant that I didn't think of the baby.

We hadn't planned on telling Esther so soon, but one morning as soon as she got up for the day she came to me and said "Mama, you have a baby in your belly?" I told her yes, and that the baby would be born in March just like her. I like to think she had a special connection to this little spirit, since she somehow knew about the baby before I even told her. Later I bought a pregnancy book and she loved looking at all the pictures and seeing how big the baby was each week.

I had put off telling anyone else because I kept waiting for this pregnancy to feel "real". Maybe it's because it was such a surprise, or because I was busy with two toddlers, or maybe it's because of what would eventually happen, but for whatever reason this pregnancy kinda always just felt like a dream.

the picture we used to tell my family

Finally, after what seemed like forever of keeping this big secret, we told our families, and we didn't even get to telling all of them before the bleeding started. As soon as that happened, I just knew. We were due to leave for our family camping trip in a couple of days and I really wanted to go. I prayed that if this was a miscarriage that it could happen quickly and easily so that we could still enjoy our trip. Blood tests and ultrasounds confirmed what I had felt, that it was a miscarriage. We were still able to go on the camping trip and enjoy spending time with family and away from technology. I really felt the love of our Heavenly Father as that prayer was answered for me.

Emotionally it has been hard. Even though our baby was small, we both loved him/her so much. When I was pregnant with Adele, I had an ultrasound at 8 weeks (pictured above). I couldn't believe how much she looked like a real baby, fully formed with a heartbeat and arms and legs wiggling around on the screen. She was as much a person then as she is now.

I know some people refer to a fetus this small as just tissue or just a clump of cells, but for me that couldn't be further from the truth. The baby's body was formed in God's image, and he or she had a unique spirit which I could feel with me during our short time together.

As I have searched out the church doctrine on the subject of miscarriage, I have found it is prettt ambiguous. I think this is because it is different for every situation. Sometimes the baby gained their needed body and will be resurrected. Other times their was a flaw in the body that caused the miscarriage, or it wasn't the right time, and the spirit will come to a different body at another time. I have been trying to use this trial as an opportunity to grow closer to my Savior and seek personal revelation regarding our little one's circumstance. I hope that anyone out there suffering after a miscarriage will take the time to search for answers in their own situation. I haven't found all my answers yet, but I have found comfort from the following quote.

“All your losses will be made up to you in the resurrection, provided you continue faithful. By the vision of the Almighty I have see it."       -Joseph Smith

We don't know why this happened and we probably never will, but I do have faith that this little spirit belongs to our family and whether it be in this life or the next that we see him or her, they will be with us forever. 💜