#RealTalk

I know I don't get super personal on this blog (or maybe I do?) but anyways we have been going through some difficult trials lately and writing it all out is kinda my therapy. As I've written about here before we have had some challenges with Esther's health starting last fall and culminating with her being in the hospital at the beginning of January, Last week we went back to Primary Children's for more (painful and traumatizing) testing and finally got a solid diagnosis. Long story short she has a mild birth defect that has been contributing to her infections and she will likely need surgery within the next couple of years to fix it.  On top of that an issue came up at Adele's 12 month well check and after more testing we discovered that she also has a mild birth defect ( not the same as Esther's but she might have that one too since it's genetic). Adele will also likely require surgery, soon probably with in the next couple weeks but we don't know for sure yet. 

It is hard to see your kids sick anytime, at least for me, even mild colds are sad. But having your babies be hospitalized and have invasive testing done is so hard to watch too. Honestly the thought of either of them having surgery scares me so much. I know Primary Children's is a great hospital and that tons of children go through surgeries there and are fine. But when it's your own baby it's different. Not only with the risk of things going wrong but also just trying to comfort them and having them be in new scary situations. 

A while back ( I think I posted about it?) I was reading Al Carraway's book More Than the Tattooed Mormon and I remember thinking , "this book is nice but it's not really for me. This book is for people who have really hard trials, I'm fine," Haha jokes on me. I know I don't even have the hardest trial or anything and that there are way worse things that could happen to me or my kids. But this was so unexpected and comes with so many different emotions. Guilt because maybe something I did in pregnancy caused this, and blame and worry because the Dr's have made mistakes and overlooked things that could have prevented more pain, and more anxiousness and worry about all the medical bills we are sure to have. I will admit that I have even had some moments of "why us?" and "what did I do to deserve this?" Then more worry like is this really the best course of treatment, researching side effects of all the medications. *Sigh* it's just a lot to process.

We are doing ok though. Both girls are happy and playing and not sick or in pain right now. Spring is coming soon and we will actually be able to leave the house and play outside. Maybe soon we won't have 2-3 Dr appointments per week. It is true that trial's can bring you closer to the Lord if you let them. I have been trying to spend more time in the scriptures, trying to be more patient and loving with the girls and Leland to keep the Spirit strong in our home. I know that the girl's are strong and it will probably be harder on me than them. 

“Some of you may at times have cried out in your suffering, wondering why our Heavenly Father would allow you to go through whatever trials you are facing. …“Our mortal life, however, was never meant to be easy or consistently pleasant. Our Heavenly Father … knows that we learn and grow and become refined through hard challenges, heartbreaking sorrows, and difficult choices. Each one of us experiences dark days when our loved ones pass away, painful times when our health is lost, feelings of being forsaken when those we love seem to have abandoned us. These and other trials present us with the real test of our ability to endure.” -Thomas S Monson

"whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day." -Alma 36:3

"Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need." -Hebrews 4:16