The Birth of Moses
Before I aformed thee in the belly I bknew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I csanctified thee. -Jeremiah 1:5
Pregnancy and birth is always a spiritual journey for me, and this time was no different. I found the pregnancy to be even more intuitive this time, and though my intuition was off on one account (he was not a girl!) I felt strongly that this was a determined little spirit who was eager to come to earth with no hesitation. Because I was tracking my cycle we conceived easily and I was fairly confident about my due date of March 20th. I wondered if the baby might come early, but I didn’t get my hopes up. An ultrasound at 20 weeks gave me the due date of March 13th, but I was fairly certain the baby would come sometime between the 13th and 22nd.
The pregnancy was fairly easy, especially in the last month, I felt blessed to not feel too uncomfortable. This pregnancy was a lot different from my others in that I was caring for five small children, and I had to deal with the stresses of foster care on top of that. When I found out I was pregnant in July we were sure that Baby Boy would either be long reunified or adopted by the time I reached my due date, but as it turned out, he reunified with his mom when I was 38 weeks, making for a very difficult month before that as he transitioned home.
The birth of Moses really taught me about the mind/body connection that goes on in pregnancy and labor. (Ina May Gaskin talks about this in her book). As my due date neared I kept having bouts of false labor. On the 11th Julian had surgery, of course while we were at the hospital I had a few hours of contractions because that was the one day I did not want to go into labor. (Looking back I was probably just dehydrated since Julian had to fast, I didn’t eat or drink much either.) On St. Patrick’s day, a Wednesday, I had a few hours of strong contractions during the night. Then around 5am, Esther woke up with a fever, I gave her some water and helped her back to bed. Because of her history, I got really stressed that she could have another UTI. The worry and stress immediately stopped all the contractions.
So as my due date approached, I felt that my body and baby were probably ready, but that there must be some mental blocks that were keeping me from going into labor. I started to worry that maybe this baby wasn’t the girl I was so sure it was, and maybe the baby would feel unwelcome or unloved when he came. So I started imagining the baby being a boy, and working through my feelings about that, as well as trying to think of a name. Leland and I went to dinner that night and discussed boys names. I mentioned that Moses was a name I had thought of that day, and that was the name I liked best for a boy. Leland had other names he liked better but liked Moses too.
Friday came around and I still wasn’t in labor. I felt that something must be unresolved and in the back of my mind, I knew the obvious thing was my grief over Baby Boy leaving. A few months back when I had found out that he was going to be leaving around the time I would give birth, I worried that the sadness was going to taint my birth and postpartum experience. I didn’t know how I was going to feel such sadness at the same time as such joy. I worried that if I let myself feel all the sadness that it would take over and I wouldn’t be happy like I should be about the new baby. So I buried my grief and tried not to feel sad, though I still did at times. On Friday night I decided to face my grief head on. I looked through old pictures and videos of Baby Boy (which I never do) and I just let myself cry over them and feel it all. I posted an emotional post to Instagram about how much I missed him and then went to bed. Not surprisingly, after I let myself feel and express all those emotions I felt much better.
On Saturday morning I woke up around 6 to some pretty strong contractions. They were consistently around 20 minutes apart. I had planned to go to the grocery store that morning, and I talked with Leland and decided to still go. I figured the baby would be born sometime that day, but I knew I still had loads of time. I went to Walmart and the contractions stayed 20 minutes apart, though I wasn’t really timing them or paying much attention. When I got home, I noticed that I had lost my mucus plug. I decided to tell Kylee that I was in early labor since I had planned for her to take the boys to her house if they were awake when I went into labor. As soon as I told her things slowed down more, and I had contractions off and on through the afternoon. It was a cold and rainy Saturday, so we stayed inside and watched The Secret Garden with the girls. I made sure to take a nap so I could be rested in case I was laboring all night. Around 4pm I decided to go for a walk to see if it would make the contractions pick up or not. As soon as I left the house I regretted not using the bathroom one more time before I left, as I had to pee almost constantly at this point in pregnancy, but I figured I’d just keep the walk short. I had a few strong contractions during the walk, including one where I thought I might have peed. I got home and after using the bathroom noticed that more “pee” came out with the next contraction. I told Leland I thought my water could be leaking. I decided to text my midwife, Melissa, just to let her know that things were happening and it would probably be tonight. Right after I sent it, I was in the bathroom doing my hair, when my water broke a lot more and a gush of water came out. Israel and Julian were in the bathroom with me and I told them to go get Dada! I had never had my water break except in active labor, it felt so strange and I panicked a little. Leland came in and we noted that the water was clear and I changed yet again. This was around 5pm.
I thought my water breaking meant that things might happen fast this time, but contractions continued to be 15-20 minutes apart. We all ate dinner and then asked Kylee to come get the boys. My midwife headed to our city (she lives about 45 minutes away) and said she would stay nearby and to let her know when we wanted her to come over. As I rushed around trying to pack things up for the boys I didn’t have a contraction for about 30 minutes. Meanwhile, Leland and the kids blew up the birth pool. She picked them up and we settled the girls downstairs with a movie (they wanted to stay here for the birth). Contractions picked up a little more, about 10 minutes apart, but were still only 45 seconds and not painful.
I asked Leland to give me a blessing at this point. I was worried that maybe things weren’t picking up because baby was in a bad position, and I worried about being able to handle the pain with broken waters. I don’t remember all of the blessing but I do remember he said that this baby was a choice spirit, and to have patience and rest and labor would progress quicker. At the time I was disappointed and thought that this meant that the baby would not be born until the next morning, that labor would seem to go quicker if I slept, but in hindsight I think it meant that resting would actually make the labor go quicker. After the blessing I did the miles circuit and when I got to the stair lunges contractions picked up a lot, but as soon as I stopped they were further apart again. Around 8:30pm we told Kylee to bring the boys back so Leland could put them to bed since things didn’t seem to be going anywhere quickly. The girls finished their movie and we put them to bed as well. I was in touch with my midwife and I told her that I didn’t know why things weren’t picking up and asked her to come over and check baby’s position.
Melissa arrived around 9 and after taking vitals she said baby was still LOA where he/she had been for weeks. So baby’s position wasn’t the problem. I was feeling a little bit frustrated by the hurry up and wait nature of this labor. As with my other labors, I didn’t know if I should go do things to try to bring on labor, or just head to bed. I didn’t want many cervix checks this time, but she offered to check me and I agreed so that I could see how far along I was and decide what to do. I was at 4cm. My midwife said that when people are dilated to a 3 they can usually stop labor by going to sleep, but at a 4 there is usually no stopping labor. With the blessing in mind I decided I would just try to go to sleep to see if I could. Around 10:15 Leland and I shut everything off and got into bed. My midwife went out to her van to sleep. As soon as I laid down, contractions felt a lot stronger. Still I tried to sleep through them, but with no luck. They started coming every 4 minutes like clockwork and lasting 1 minute each. Around 11 I couldn’t stand to lay down during a contraction anymore so I got up and started breathing through them.
Around this time things start to get a little blurry. I was definitely in “labor land” and not as aware of what was going on around me. Leland texted the midwife and told her to come back in. She texted her assistant and told her to come. Leland also called our photographer and told her to come. Really quickly the contractions got to 2 minutes apart and even stronger and the team started filling up the birth pool.
As I prepared for this birth, I didn’t do very much relaxation practice, as that had not been very helpful with my past births. Instead I listened to what others said helped them during a natural birth and I tried out those things to see if they would help. The first thing that someone said helped them was putting peppermint essential oil on a cotton ball and smelling it through contractions. This was super helpful for me. I tend to feel nauseous, as most women do, during labor and this really helped take the edge off the nausea during contractions as well as just distract me. The other thing someone mentioned was “breathing down” during contractions. Not pushing but just focusing your breath downwards. This was also helpful because it helped me to relax my abdomen which made contractions less painful.
It took about 30 minutes for the pool to fill up and as soon as it was ready I got in. I was still coping through contractions at this point but I really had to focus. The water was such a relief! It made the contractions more bearable and the contractions spaced out to 4-5 minutes apart again. Shortly after I got in I asked Melissa to check me again and I was at a 7. I was really hoping for a faster labor this time around and I was a little disappointed I wasn’t further at this point. But the contractions weren’t as intense as I knew they were going to be, so I knew I wasn’t quite there yet.
I asked Leland to put on my birth playlist but I really wasn’t very aware of it. The photographer and midwife assistant arrived. I was in the pool for what felt like a very long time. I was thirsty and Leland kept giving me drinks of gatorade between contractions. As things got more intense I knew I reached transition because I felt like I couldn’t do this much longer, and said so to Leland. I felt contractions strongly in my legs this time which surprised me and felt harder to cope with than contractions just in my belly. I had been breathing through contractions up until this point, but now I started low moaning through them. Although I wasn’t aware of much, I was very mindful of the kids sleeping and that I needed to not be loud so they would stay asleep. My goal with this labor was to be stay positive and not complain about the pain. The pain of giving birth is just so intense, I wanted to complain, but I think trying to stay positive did have an impact because in hindsight this labor felt easiest of all four.
In between contractions I would rest on the tub with my eyes closed. I wanted the lights off but couldn’t say so. To get through the very intense contractions I would repeat some mantras in my mind “I can do anything for one minute” and “Jesus is helping me”. The first one is a common birth affirmation, the second one came to my mind and stuck there. At some point the song “Gethsemane” came on and it reminded me again how much birth is similar to the atonement. I was reminded that if the Savior could go through excruciating pain to give me eternal life, I could make it through this bit of pain to give my baby mortal life. Maybe it was because we were in our own home, but this birth felt more sacred than my others. I think every birth is sacred, and I strongly believe that angels attend every birth, when a person enters this earth through the veil, just like they accompany every person who leaves this earth through the veil. However, for whatever reason I could never feel those angels there with any of my other births. This time I could feel the sacredness of the event. With my eyes closed I felt like the room was filled up with people, only to open my eyes and see that it was just the five of us. I didn’t have a lot of cohesive thoughts during hard labor, but a feeling of peace and support that I hadn’t felt before.
At this point it had felt like I had been in transition for hours. I had been checked and was around a 9 with a cervical lip. As I complained about how much I was suffering, everyone kept suggesting things I could do like sitting on the ball, or walking the stairs. In my mind I thought, “No way! All those things sound like they would hurt much worse. Don’t you understand I want you to do something that will help me feel better!” But of course I knew that they were suggesting things that would help me dilate faster because the only way out of the pain was through it. She did break the rest of my waters around this time, which I didn’t even feel because I was in the water. Eventually I agreed to walking to the toilet and sitting there for a few contractions. It was harder than the pool but I made myself stay there for about five contractions before going back to the pool.
Around this time I just felt so done. I felt like there was no way this baby was ever coming out. I was sure that they were going to tell me I was taking too long and suggest we go to the hospital for a c section. (Transition thoughts can get a little crazy, and most of these were trauma and fears from my first birth). In hindsight, everyone knew I was almost there and that the baby was so close to coming, I just couldn’t see that for myself. In every vaginal birth I’ve had, I’ve always gotten “stuck” at almost 10cm with a cervical lip. Each time my provider has had to hold my cervix back while I push against it. Going into this birth I thought this time was going to be different. I’ll just be patient and my body will dilate fully on it’s own, I told myself. Well by this point I was done being patient and I knew what had to be done. Melissa suggested I move to the couch and she would push the rest of my cervix away. I said we had to go to the bedroom because I didn’t want to scream too much and wake up Israel. So off we went to the bedroom. She had me lay flat on my back while Leland and her assistant held my legs, and I pushed against her. She did it more gently than it felt in times past, but the pushing in this position felt awful. She did it for three contractions and I felt the head move further down each time. Melissa said we could keep going and he could be born soon, or if I wanted a him to be born in the water we had to move back quickly. Since pushing in that position felt horrible I quickly went back to the pool.
I got in the pool and knelt against the side of the tub. They told me to push with the next contraction. I tried half-heartedly to push but I didn’t like it. It felt like too much to try and do something during contractions instead of just surviving them. I said aloud “I don’t want to push, I just want my body to push him out!” Right as I said that another contraction hit and I felt the fetal-ejection reflex kick in. My body started pushing on it’s own and it was the craziest feeling. I felt the head inch down the birth canal as I felt like my hips were going to split apart. There is no sensation I have ever felt that feels like pushing a baby out of your body. It’s like you can literally feel your body changing from pregnant to not pregnant. It is hard to describe but it surprises and terrifies me a little each time. I reached down and felt his head only a fingertip away. His head started crowning when the contraction ended and Melissa told me to flip over to my back so I could catch him. I didn’t feel like I could move but I knew I would regret not catching him, so I forced myself to turn over. With the next contraction his head was out. The ring of fire felt much less intense in the water, but the relief when his head was out was immediate. It took a long time for the next contraction to come, so for about 4 minutes his head was only out in the water. I reached down and felt his soft little wrinkly head and I noticed Leland was crying. That’s when it hit me that I was actually going to have this baby. With the next contraction I gave a little push and the rest of his body came out. I reached down and caught him and the midwife’s assistant helped me bring him up. He had a short cord, just like Israel, so I could only bring him to my belly.
As soon as he was out, all the pain didn’t matter anymore. I kept saying “My baby!” and I was so eager to check the gender. I looked and saw that he was a boy! I said “You’re a boy!?” I really couldn’t believe it, but I think some part of me already knew he was a boy. He was moving and crying right away and came out with the grumpiest little face. I felt such relief from the pain and in awe that we actually had a baby. We stayed in the pool together for about 20 minutes and then I moved to the couch to deliver the placenta. I kept him attached to the placenta while we did skin to skin. He started rooting around and latched right away. We stayed that way together, covered in blankets to keep warm, for about an hour and a half.
Then I felt bad for everyone waiting around, so I finally agreed to let them take him. Though I could have happily stayed there all night. Leland cut the cord and they measured him. 8lbs 9oz and 21.5 inches long. Our second smallest baby, born at 2:27 am. They told me that after pushing away the cervix he was born only 7 minutes later.. Active labor started around 11pm so really it wasn’t a long labor, it just felt incredibly long. After cutting the cord, Leland did some skin to skin with him while the midwife repaired my tear. I hoped to not tear this time but after having a c section, small tears feel like nothing. The midwives then cleaned up and everyone quietly left. It was about 5am and we tucked ourselves into bed to get a couple of hours of sleep before the kids woke up.
I came out of his birth feeling so so blessed. I am in awe of what the human body can do. This birth felt less medicalized than any of my others, and I still feel so empowered that I got him here by my own strength and body alone. I felt so safe and supported during my birth. I trusted that my midwife would transfer to a hospital if anything arose that she wasn’t equipped to handle, but everything went so perfectly, as birth usually does when left alone. I was able to feel peace amidst the pain and intensity of labor, as well as tune into the spiritual side of birth for the first time. Leland was a great partner and having a baby always makes me love and appreciate him that much more. He even gave me my way when it came to naming our boy. I wanted Moses as a first name and he wanted Roy, after all I went through to birth him, he conceded and agreed to name him Moses Roy. Later after we had decided, I looked up the meaning of the name Moses and the two definitions I found were “to deliver out of water” and to pull out of water”, so I think our little Moses he was meant to be.
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